Maybe I’m The Drama

 Hi, I’m Jacqueline. A proper introduction would be ideal, but that will be cliche because this is not my first rodeo. So, I’ll delve (pardon my use of AI) straight into the things that matter. This is my third attempt at being responsible for a blog. Maybe this third time will be the charm. I think I have a penchant for starting stuff, and out-growing them soon after. In many people’s eyes, it simply means I’m erratic and often acting on-the-whim but I think I can spin it to say I just know when to stop. 

I’m never afraid to give up, not because I’m unwilling to keep at it, but because I’d rather wrap things up than force the vibes when they clearly aren’t there. Perhaps, that is my favorite Gen Z trait, the ability to understand when stuff is no longer giving, and let it go. But even for me, letting go is still a herculean task. It’s paradoxical because even when I’m ready to stop, I’m still overwhelmed with the shame of quitting.

It’s hard not to internalize your inability to make things happen. When I do, it keeps me holding onto someone that I no longer am. I’m not the Jacqueline that started the Chiefdom in 2020. She’d started a good thing, and it had run its course. 

Thinking about this makes me remember a post one of my friends wrote about letting dreams die. “There is no promise to be kept, no hope to be fulfilled. Let the dead dreams die. Dream new dreams.”

Ore’s tweet

More than giving up, I like to think about my pause as a chance to go back to the drawing board. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to do lately, asking myself what are the things that now matter to me and why. 

I think we spend too much time as people, seeing things through, because we fantasize about the idea of manifesting an ideal reality, even when the truth is clear. “You never can tell,” even long after you know so well that you can. Even when we’re no longer aligned with those dreams. It’s almost like we become burdened by the need to achieve these goals, even at the risk of self-deprecation. Refusing to let go, is refusing to give room for redirection and missing out on the endless possibilities/disappointments of a new path.

I know it sounds like I’m waxing poetic, and I don’t even know why because boy, it is never easy to pull the plugs on anything. 

And if you’re anything like me, then sitting face-to-face to have conversations that unearth you like this might just be the most difficult thing for you, but it might also heal you. Like how I now think that maybe starting this new blog will heal me. I can be like that, finding my healing in the things that are self-validating, that nobody else has control over. Maybe it’ll break you first, show you your inadequacies. Like how, deciding to put out this blog post has reminded me of my previous (failed?) attempts. However, I’d like to think you’ll find something after that. In my case, perhaps it’ll reveal that I am the drama, and It is I who needs to persevere and stick to a plot. Regardless, I have unshackled myself from the burden of aged goals and stillborn dreams. 

So perhaps I’ll sleep light tonight? Oh, the joy of shiny new dreams!

~~~

I’m bringing along my favorite part of The Chiefdom, and it’s the “Currently” segment. So here we go!

Currently, I am:

Feeling: “Very Perhaps”. It’s something my friend says when she’s feeling too many emotions and can’t exactly articulate how she’s feeling. That’s me right now. 

Thinking : About how to effectively plan my time and stick to it. Every single day oh.

Listening to: Ruin by Usher and Pheelz. A collab I didn’t know I needed.  

Watching : The Rookie. I’m trying to get into it. 

Reading : Tomorrow Died Yesterday- Chimeka Garricks. To be fair, I’m kinda stalling getting immersed in the book because I know it will take me through a rollercoaster of emotions. 

See you next time or never (lol),

Jacqueline.